For my first Knol I would like to focus on small group conflicts that can arise when a group of people that may be a mix of family, friends, friends of friends comes together. In volunteer, charity or just a plain old social night the following steps are some of the best ways I have found to come away with resolution, peace and satisfaction.  I will break it down for you into three parts; your role in conflict, the role the place or the setting takes, and the other persons role.

You First:

• Be calm taking it personally only hurts YOU. Conflict usually engenders strong emotions and even anger but, in such a state, you are unlikely to be particularly rational or in the mood for compromise. The critical reason for this is because nothing other people do is because of you, it is because of themselves. So if you start with the assumption their “stuff” has something to do with your “stuff” not only is that self-centered but is a big waste of energy. Another way of putting it is you can not change the present in the present so if you have to choose between being emotional or calm, being calm benefits you the most.
• Be impeccable with your word. Words have immeasurable power, so use them with care. Say only what you mean, and remember your opinion isn’t fact. Silence is better than saying something you’ll regret.
• Never ever assume. I had a boss one once that put it as bluntly and correctly as I can ever sum up “To Assume only makes and Ass out of u and me“. You have a choice on indulging on hours of generating theories why someone did something or you can take a calm minute and seek clarification.
• Genuinely consider the other person’s point of view. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to look for areas of agreement and build on them.
• Always show respect. However much you disagree with someone, attack the argument, not the person.
• Be magnanimous (YOU ARE NOT IN IT TO WIN). In truth, most conflict is over matters of little substance and often it is mostly pride or status that is at stake. Consider conceding the point to your opponent. This will save you time and energy and you can concentrate on the important issues of difference rather than the smaller ones. Also, if your concession is done with good grace and even some humor, it will disarm your opponent and give them less of a reason to continue.

The Situation or Setting:
Conflict arises in small groups often because individuals feel more exposed emotionally or perhaps perceive that they have been pushed into a category or marginalized in some other way. In a small worship or study group it is very important to make clear who is leading or moderating or is in fact the Priestess or Priest responsible for the over all well being of the people present. We look to those that have been placed in power or have been given the right through training or some other means to lead as being the person that will help us avoid conflict.  If you are that individual re-read the section above, it because doubly important for you to lead by example. 

• Take it offline. If conflict arises during a ceremony or other structured activity validate that a there is a point or points that need to be addressed but for the sake of those not directly involved can there be a commitment to address the issue from both sides immediately (or as soon as possible) after that activity is completed. This can provide a cool down time and it can provide a chance to logically think about yourrole, remember no assuming.
• Change the environment. Resolving anything in the middle of a group can be impossible. If the conflict is between you and another person or people present resolving it in the presence of others will normally not be helpful. Take the discussion to another room, outside, inside or to a special space that has been set aside for just this kind of moment. If it is after an event sometimes even simply moving to a coffee bar or from a house to a restaurant can make all the difference.
• Control the flow of discussion. When the conflict does involve the entire group it best to have established before hand a way for handling debate in a organized fashion. The classic talking stick is a fine example of this. Only the person that holds the talking stick should be talking. When another is talking it is your duty to listen and not be thinking ahead to your response, honor the other person by listening. Just remember if you don’t so that your listening in a group setting your breaking the trust of everyone present. Along with active listening is its counter part which is a maximum time for each person to talk. Generally don’t go more than five minutes per person or it will be hard to retain and properly discuss the point. 
• Sidebar Conflicts. In the group setting many times your conflict will not arise from the focus of the group but because of a word or action that was done as an “aside”. If you are the one that initiates this, stop, breath stay calm and address it offline. If some one else starts a sidebar conflict acknowledge it as valid and ask to use one of the above options as appropriate.

The other party or person:

• Let the other person do the talking. He or she will soon grow tired of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive.
• Be aware of displacement. Especially where anger is concerned, sometimes the source of a conflict is not what it appears to be, as anger is displaced. In the domestic context, for instance, an argument about the order of a ritual up could in fact be an argument about a the other person feeling they are not listened too. It’s not easy to spot displacement, but a warning sign is when matters that do not normally cause conflict now appear to do so.
• Acknowledge emotions. Facts alone – however rational – cannot resolve much conflict because conflict almost always has an emotional basis as well. Don’t deny anyone’s emotions, but make an effort to see the situation the way the other person does and to acknowledge their emotions before endeavoring to move beyond them. Use phrases such as “I would like to understand better how you see this situation”and “Please explain to me what is important to you in this problem”. There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you hear him/her. That’s all they usually want — to be validated. By agreeing with them, you gradually break down the other person’s anger.
• Seek mediation. This is a process whereby a neutral third party consults with those involved in a conflict to see if the problem can be presented in a way which facilitates a resolution. The mediator may simply listen and ask questions or he/she may suggest other ways of looking at the problem or even possible solutions. Classically this is approach used in most relationship counseling.
• If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it. Firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re saying things you don’t mean (give them the benefit of the doubt). I’m going to excuse myself. We can talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask them to leave.

Remembering the above guidance will give you a firm basis in finding a win-win resolution to most conflicts, remembering the importance of listening, emotions, and to having community standards which are used will help give everyone a firmer place to exist and a wider zone of comfort.

VanderBerg, Evert. Small Group Conflict Resolution:Resolving those issues that are close to your heart [Internet]. Version 2. Knol. 2008 Jul 30. Available from: http://knol.google.com/k/evert-vanderberg/small-group-conflict-resolution/2r13bsw2hlyje/2.